This post is supposed to be about how I’m brave and beautiful, how I am going to stop trying so hard and how I know that I’m beautiful regardless of if I’m wearing makeup or not. I’ve had such a hard time writing this post because I love the message of Colbie Caillat’s new song Try, but I can’t get on board with it. Hang with me here. I can’t get on board because for the past 18 months I’ve stopped trying. And I’ve lost myself and so many parts of my life in the process.
This week I had a major breakdown and all I could come up with for why was because I’m so overwhelmed with everything I have to do, but the problem is that I’m not doing any of it. I keep telling my husband that I’m doing my best and doing everything that I can, but I’m not. I’m not trying.
It all started with K’s birth. I brought home the nightgowns from the hospital to sleep (and walk around in), and I realized that I could take naps all day long and no one could blame me because I had a newborn. And I didn’t work out or put on makeup because no one expected me to. I had a baby and that’s all that mattered; no one would judge a new mom for wearing sweats out of the house.
But you guys, it didn’t stop there.
Last week I wore my sweats to my birthday dinner. I talked about running every day and didn’t run a single time. And I swore that I would make dinner at least once, and we ate at Chipotle, Applebee’s, and TGIFridays instead.
In the past 18 months my life has fallen apart, and it all started the moment I stopped trying.
So my message is this, you don’t have to try so hard but you do have to try. Life doesn’t just happen, dinner doesn’t just get made, houses don’t just stay clean, you don’t just lose weight, and you aren’t just automatically happy. Those things only happen if you put effort into them. You have to try.
I put on makeup and blow dried my hair last week for the first time in over a month. I actually had to go pull my blow dryer out of my suitcase from our trip to Kansas in August. And you know what? That was the most productive day I’ve had in a really long time because when I actually get ready for the day, it makes me want to do other things like run so my cute clothes actually fit. And clean my house so I can have people over without feeling embarrassed. And go meet with friends because I feel comfortable with the way I look.
I get it. I understand we can’t try too hard. We can’t make ours live dependent on how other people want us to be. But you have to figure out who you want to be, and you can’t let go of that person. And you can’t stop trying to become that person every single day. If you feel great wearing makeup and having your nails done, do it and feel great. If you run because it makes you feel incredible, do it. Don’t do it because someone else expects you to or because you don’t think you’re good enough unless you’re skinny. Do it because it makes you love you, because I’m telling you, when you lose that love for yourself, it’s really hard to get back. I should know.
This video from Robbins Creative is amazing and empowering and full of beautiful women taking off their makeup and going natural. These women are brave and beautiful. I am not. Not yet at least. But I’m working on it, and each day I’m working on it a little more. I’m trying. For real this time.