Tomorrow marks an accomplishment that means so much more to me than just finishing a half-marathon. I’ve done that before. This one is different than all of the others.
Almost exactly five years ago I went on a cruise with my family. After the cruise I saw pictures of myself and vowed, out loud, to run every day (or at least 4x a week) until my brother’s wedding three months later. My sister-in-law laughed and told me that there was no way I could do it. She laughed, and I listened. I ran my butt off that summer (literally). I wore a khaki skirt to the wedding that summer and got complimented on how my butt looked amazing in the skirt. I never looked back. I continued running for the next three years, completing three half-marathons with my dad, one each year.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I was that girl that the guys might actually look at. I wasn’t just the best friend anymore, I was the girl to watch. I’d just never felt comfortable in my own body during high school. And now I finally believed that I was actually beautiful. I met my husband in May of that third year. We met in May, I ran the third half-marathon in November, and we got married in December.
And I stopped running for a year. And then 18 months. And around two years from my last half-marathon I hit a point in my life where I’ve never been before. A point where I would come home and put on sweats because I didn’t feel comfortable in any of my fitted clothes anymore. A point where I was too self-conscious and sad on days to even leave the house. A point where no matter what I did or what my husband said, that beautiful girl (I thought) was gone. I tried to start running again and failed time and time again. I had shin splints, I couldn’t jump, blah blah blah. My body couldn’t handle it.
So I started Weight Watchers and slowly but surely the weight came off. I’ve done a lot of different weight loss programs and Weight Watchers was the only thing that worked for me. And as the weight came off, the running got easier and easier. Tomorrow I accomplish the goal I set for myself back in December- to find myself again. And to never lose myself again. I’d much rather be the girl who wears sweats because they’re comfortable, not because it’s uncomfortable to wear anything else. And the girl that looks at her legs in lingerie and thinks to herself that her husband is lucky to have her. And the girl who loves herself inside and out.
So here goes nothing. Two and a half years all wrapped up into 13.1 little miles. And if it doesn’t all go as planned, who cares. I got something better than just dropping a couple pant sizes. I got myself back.
Kara says
I understand where you’re coming from!!
Have an excellent weekend! 🙂
Ronnica says
Good luck on your run tomorrow…I’m proud of you!
Sassy Molassy says
Great post! I feel you on your outlook in hs. It’s not until you’re comfortable with your own body that you can be confident about yourself toward others. Congrats on finding yourself again and I know you’ll rock the 1/2 in Nashville! Looking forward to the recap!
Laurie says
You are going to be awesome! Good luck:)
I’m so impressed!
startsinmynose says
i got chills reading this….one of my fave posts of yours, too. (i love all of them), but i could really feel your emotion in it-and relate a lot to it….good for you. you should be so proud of yourself.
Brooke says
I can’t wait to read how it went! I’m sure you were amazing… I mean just finishing 13.1 miles is an accomplishment.
Jenna and Chris says
I’m sure you did great! I don’t think I could ever run that far. I understand how you felt…my husband tells me I’m beautiful and I don’t believe him. I also want to shred every picture I see of myself. Blah. Glad you conquered it!
Anonymous says
This is Dad.
After you mentioned this post on Saturday, I was looking forward to reading it. I was not completely prepared for the honesty and openness of the post. So let me confess something as well. As you left for college, I was pondering and praying how I could stay in your life. Somehow we stumbled upon this activity. I had never had a desire to run a half marathon. Period. Not even a wistful daydream about Olympic glory winning the marathon as a kid. Not a 5k. Not a mile. Maybe it was Tiffany inspired. Who knows. But it just felt right for you and I to do. Right for our relationship. But I also felt it would be right for you to continue developing healthy habits. You had been a high school athlete. But it is so hard for women to maintain that when they get older. Guys typically find excuses to play. It is harder to girls (playing pick-up volleyball once a week just does not cut it as you get older). So running just seemed to click as the perfect answer. A way to stay healthy and fit all of your life if you continue with it. Recognize the importance of it. I also understand how important it can be for me now that I am seriously seeing the end of my basketball playing days. And I think it will be a great lifetime habit for both you and Briel to stay with. If you can keep it up, running will keep you physically and mentally fit.
Life is about balance. If anything is completely out-of-balance, then in affects all other aspects of life. The things that I believe you have to keep in balance include your relationships, your temporal matters, your health, your spirituality, service to others and your own idea of self-worth. Running helps you cover two of those things.
And, for me, it also helped cover a third this training cycle. I have an old friend at Nextel, Danny Bowman, who is an Evangelical Christian. He knew I was Mormon so we would have some spiritual discussions. A few years ago he mentioned that he was jogging a lot and that he used that time to “talk to God.” For some reason I’ve always remembered that conversation. And since I could not find my iPod and did not want to make any excuses about not training for this latest half, I decided to test Danny’s theory. I would use the first part of my runs to listen to Heavenly Father. I would think about what he needed me to think about. I would meditate about some of the people in my life and listen for the inspiration about what I should do. Taking Danny’s advice, I would literally “talk to God” during my runs. Life is full of carnival sideshows. We live our lives “longing for the next distraction.” I discovered that running can also be an intense yet relaxing spiritual break to a hectic day.
I love you and hope you can keep me doing this for a few more years. I think the body will hold up a while longer although it won’t be long before both you and Briel are regularly beating me again.
Bianca and Greg says
great post- very inspiring!
Katelin says
hope the half marathon went well, i can’t wait to hear about it! 🙂